Letter to you

Love (insert name here),

Always. It's always the same.

Another day of checking my phone constantly to see if I have a message (or if I'm I'm in class, every time my teacher's back is turned). Another day of hanging around, hoping to just see you. Another day where there's a funny twinge in my chest when I think about you. It's almost as if you're dead.

But then I remember you're not going to reply my messages. And that you're not in school, and that you're not dead. Just gone.

Sometimes, that's almost worse. I'm the eternal pessimist, always anticipating the worst, that you'll get snapped up quickly in your new school, by a prettier girl, by someone who called out to you with her sad smile, like I did. Someone smarter than me, someone who understands you better than I do; your new "calm in this mad world". And at the same time, there is that stupid inextinguishable hope; hope that my fears will remain fears and that you will come back. And then, I remember that I was the stupid one who pushed you away, because it's for the sake of my studies, because I'm confused for everything that I feel for you, because I could have had the chance so many times but I turned it down I'M SORRY.

I need to sort out my feelings, but I need you too. All this time away from you has just reinforced what I thought was just love talk. I can't live without you. I can't.

Every time I achieve something; doing well in a test, finishing a story; the first person I want to run to and tell is you. When I cry, the person I want to hold me until I feel better is you. I want to see you smile at me, every day. But when I run out to look for you, you're never there. But of course not.

Do I love you? Do I really? All of the above seem to be the symptoms of love, don't they? I think, after spending more time with more people, I don't just want attention. I want your attention. Yours.

And still I don't want to hurt you. Is it really inevitable to be hurt in a relationship?

Mindfucking. Too mindfucking. That's what I said about relationships, right? And it's true.

Stop pushing me to other people. I don't want a relationship with anyone. Anyone but you. I won't especially not now, in my current state of mind.

I'll stop crying. I'll try, I promise I'll try. Would that be enough? No, right?

I need you. I really do.





But you've already given up on me, haven't you?


Love,
Me